Everything Is My Fault

Today I did something I had promised myself I would never do again. Today was my first day of counseling… again. For those of you who don’t know I had tried counseling back my sophomore year of high school. 7 years ago is when my anxiety increased to a state that I needed help. I tried what is called a “Biblical Counselor.” I am a very strong Christian, but let me tell you, that was the most unGodly experience of my life. This woman told me I had anxiety strictly because I didn’t trust God enough. She told me this was all my fault and if I read the Bible more I wouldn’t feel this way. After about a month of seeing Dr. Crazy I swore off all counselors for the rest of my life.

Yes, I am aware that some of you are laughing by now. “But Lexie, I thought you were in school to become a mental health counselor?”

That is correct. I never said I didn’t believe that counseling worked. In fact, I never said I didn’t believe that counseling would work for me. I just had such a bad experience and I knew the next time I went to counseling, all I would think about was that no matter what anyone said, everything is my fault.

Well, I was right.

The actual act of being in counseling went better than I expected. I liked my counselor and in only the hour I had with him he gave me some helpful tricks to calm down my anxiety and anger and bring me back to reality.

Oh thats right, I didn’t tell you why I am back in counseling.

As most of you know (from either knowing me or my previous blog posts) I struggle with anxiety and depression. I have struggled with these for years, but have been able to control them (for the most part). I learned my triggers and I learned how to calm myself down. Within the last 3 months my anxiety and depression have gotten so out of control that nothing was helping. I cut out all fast food and anything with caffeine, I tried breathing exercises, I tried talking to friends, I tried natural vitamins to help. But it didn’t. It got to the point of my insomnia had come back too. About two hours of sleep was the most I could get a night. And it wasn’t consecutive. Then finally the anger came. Anger at everyone and anyone, including myself. I hated my mental disorders. I hated my body, I hated how I felt and acted. I hated my past. I hated who I let myself be. I hated how I didn’t have anyone to talk to about any of this. I was alone. I am alone.

So now here I am, back in counseling. Hoping to learn how to cope with my tragic life. But of course, this was much deeper than saying I have anxiety and depression and need help. This was listing to a stranger everything tragic that had happened to me in the last four years. This was explaining to a man only a few years older than me that my Mammaw passing away triggered my depression. It was talking about my physically and emotionally abusive ex fiancé. It was talking about loosing my baby. It was talking about my trust issues. It was talking about dropping out of college. It was talking about losing my faith. It was talking about everything and anything that led to my anxiety, depression, and anger to get worse.

And it was talking about my suicide plan. Not thoughts, plan.

I had to sit there and describe, to some man I had just met, the plan that I had created 4 years ago to kill myself. A plan that took me years to try and block out of my mind so that I wouldn’t keep tempting myself to do it. A plan that I am now reliving every time I close my eyes.

Please don’t get my wrong. I do love my life, I am back in college, I have a great job as a therapist, I have the best relationship with my family that I have ever had, and I am in a serious relationship with the most loving and amazing man. Life is great. The problem is that my past continues to haunt me. I never learned how to cope with the pain. Just ignore it and pray it goes away. When I finished explaining everything to my therapist, I left him speechless. He was appalled at everything I had gone through in such a short amount of time and at such a young age. Half the stuff I told him and have written in this blog I haven’t told anyone. I only recently even mentioned my suicidal past to my boyfriend. I keep everything to myself, and apparently, thats what my problem is.

My main problem with counseling is that now that I have relived all the traumatic events of my life, I have started getting flashbacks and feeling the same way I felt the first time. But with only having one session, I have not learned how to cope with everything. I am currently writing this in the middle of the night during one of my insomnia episodes, completely alone, while crying. I know God has me going through this for a reason. And I absolutely trust Him. But right now, right now I am miserable.

 

**This is not a blog post to say how terrible counseling is. This is a post for me. To see how this counseling thing turns out. To see if I am actually able to be helped or if I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life.**

 

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XOXO,

Lex

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2016: Turning My Life Around

2016 was a life changing year for me. Very much a roller coaster, but I am not complaining. This has been one of the greatest years of my life.

Within the first three months of 2016 I dropped out of college, miscarried my first child, got engaged, ended my engagement, and quit my job.

During the last 9 months I fell in love with the man i knew I should be with forever, became a part of his family and daughter’s lives, became closer to my family, started and awesome job as a Behavioral Therapist for children with autism, became a Board Certified Autism Technician, applied and was accepting to transfer to GMU, was a bridesmaid in my older sister’s wedding, redid my bedroom with my boyfriend Oscar, I turned 21, went to Disney World, and I got to spend time with my family from Australia.

If I would’ve based 2016 off the first three months of the year I would’ve expected this to be the worst year of my life. This year was so much more than that. I learned life lessons, created friendships, and found myself. 2016 was one of the best years of my life. 2017 you have a lot to live up to.

“Sometimes Life takes you in a direction you never saw yourself going,  but it turns out to be the best road you’ve ever taken.”

XOXO,

Lex

It’s Just One Of Those Nights

Okay. So I have been contemplating the name of this post for a couple days now. First impressions are really important right? I picked this title because it is one of the most common phrases out of my mouth now, and I know it is going to become one of the most typed as well. I have been noticing this blogging trend for a while now. Me, not being that big of a reader or having time to write, primarily ignored it. However, now, I need an outlet. I need something to put time and effort into that I feel will help benefit me. I bet you all are pretty confused now, right?

So where to begin?

The beginning…

I believe the most critical and impacting year of my life was my Junior Year of high school. I was happy. Life was so good! Until that phone call. I had been at the beach with my best friend for her birthday. During our ride home my mother called. I was told instead of being taken home I was being taken to the hospital. My Mammaw, BY FAR the greatest role model and women who has ever graced the earth with her angel-like presence, was admitted into the ER. She never  got the chance to leave there. Even as I’m typing this I am tearing up, over two years later. Mammaw passed away within the next couple of weeks. I am pretty sure she knew she was going to and just never told us. She was perfect. Okay, now that I’m balling my eyes out… I will spare you all the rest of the details. Basically, since that day I have felt empty. The one person I could talk to about anything was gone. I realized the other day that I can barely remember the sound of her voice. After being with her for 16 years. I know my angel watches over me now. She actually gave me a keychain when I learned how to drive that said “Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.”

After that moment I needed a change. Nothing made sense anymore.

Senior year was hell for me. I became really good at pushing away the people I loved the most. I quickly turned away from God. I lost ALL of my friends. I never left my room. I was more alone than I had ever felt before. Music saved me. OR to be more specific, God used music to save me. I rejoined the praise team at my church that I have been in since 7th grade. I cannot explaining the feeling I had the first time I led worship again. It left me speechless, which is really hard to do. My relationship with God never went back to the way it had been. Feel free to blame college or whatever, but I do not know why. That doesn’t mean I have given up. I am trying harder now than I ever have. I am way more into my Bible than I ever have been. My emotional connection just seems to be missing. Judge me all you want, since I am a leader in my church and suppose to be perfect. NEWSFLASH: I’m not. You’re not. No one is. Get over it!!

I have now finished my first year of college. I decided to stay at community college in order to save money and later transfer to JMU. I never knew the real feeling of loneliness until everyone I had grown up with just left. This first semester was pretty alright. I made some friends and was okay. Second semester was another story. I got a full time job and my best friend moved to a different state. I became alone again. I tried to keep myself busy and distracted, but nothing was helping.

This is where I am now. My best friend has moved back and i quit my job. Things are different, yet my feelings continue to worsen. What is the cause you may ask? I wish I knew. I am spiraling into a deeper depression every day. I have serious anxiety issues. I have health issues constantly. Stress. My mind has been corrupted in order to view everything in a negative perspective. I have a negative body image. My emotions have started to control me. I have alway been the person who never cries… I cry multiple times a day now, most of the times at really stupid things. I have looked into Counselors that deal with depression, but money right now is FAR too tight for that. I have looked up different support groups, but I have not found any close enough to where I live. I guess you could basically call this my cry for help. I am not the person I use to be even a year ago. I miss being happy. And it has gotten so bad that I know I need help. Very few people know about the condition I am in. Well if you didn’t know, now you do. I am currently in an ongoing battle that I KNOW through God, help, and my friends, I am going to be able to overcome and have an AMAZING testimony to share. I want my life to be an example to helping others. I want to encourage anyone going through something like this that no matter what thoughts may be going through your mind, you ARE worth it. You CAN do it and you WILL make it through this time. So please join with me on this amazing experience of finding out who I really am and overcoming my struggles.

What Ive learned so far:

  • It’s okay to not be okay
  • this is not the end
  • there are better days to come
  • don’t give up
  • pray
  • TALK ABOUT IT

R.I.P.

Scan 37

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
― Robert Frost

XOXO,

Lex