Internal Conflict 

having anxiety and depression is living with internal conflict 24/7. my anxiety makes me crazy. i worry constantly about every little thing. i have more emotions than i thought was humanly possible. i have ocd because of it which makes me need to have control of everything. i have anger because of it because it’s hard for me to process when things don’t go exactly the way i plan them. then having depression is the complete opposite. i don’t care about anything. i have no emotions. i feel completely dead inside. i have no motivation. i wake up every morning and think “i don’t want to be alive today.” 

now imagine having both of these polar opposites going on at the same time. caring so much yet not at all. i don’t even know how it is possible, but it is. 

and then trying to explain something this crazy to someone else? nearly impossible. if you don’t live with it, it’s so hard to understand. other people just think it’s overreacting or having a bad day or being controlling or paranoid. i’ve been told all of those things. but it’s not. it’s who i am. and i wish it wasn’t, but it is. i wouldn’t wish this upon even my worst enemies. this is a horrible feeling to wake up every morning and not want to be awake. having that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed yet worrying at the same time what other people will think of you. “fake it til you make it” i hear. but at this point i don’t know if i’ll make it. i fake it every day yet i’m getting no where. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s