The Mother’s Day Blues

Here comes that time of year again when we celebrate our mother’s for all the hard work they put into raising us. While today is about how thankful i am for my mother, it is also very depressing for me. As i’ve posted before, a year and a half ago i miscarried my first child around 3 months. It was a very depressing time and still affects me daily. i know in my heart that it happened for a reason. the babie’s father was not a good man and i am no longer with him. i would’ve stayed if i had the baby. i know this was God’s way of protecting me. and looking back i can see he gave me other chances to leave, but i was too stubborn so he got dramatic. i know losing the baby saved me. i know i am in such a better place now and have found the love of my life who i want to be the only father of my children. but days like today are still hard for me. i watch my best friends who are all mothers get to celebrate. i watch all my pregnant friends on facebook. my own boyfriend has a baby momma. and while i help him raise his daughter, i am still not a mother and won’t be celebrated. and it breaks my heart a little every year. this is the second mother’s day where i have felt like this. and i wouldn’t wish this feeling upon any other person. and i don’t want to tell anyone i feel this way because 1) they have their own problems and 2) they won’t understand. i don’t know anyone else my age who has been through what i have. no one i know has miscarried. i can’t even talk to my own mom because mother’s day is already depressing for her. she lost her mother 5 years ago right before mother’s day. losing a mother is nothing compared to losing a baby that wasn’t even completely formed yet. i think that’s my biggest problem. i feel that no one sees it as a big deal so i keep it to myself how much it hurts me daily. how big of a deal it still is to me. how terrified i am to ever get pregnant again in fear i will have to go through this all over again. i told my boyfriend that even when we are married and try to have kids, i don’t want to tell him i’m pregnant until after 3 months. i will feel better then because the odds go down. but at the same time, if i did lose the baby i don’t know if i could handle going through that alone. i was put on bed rest for three weeks last time. it’s just a lot. my anxiety makes me worry. i worry if i’ll never be able to have kids. i worry if i’ll only miscarry. i worry i can’t even get pregnant. i worry if i do have kids will they have lots of health problems because of me. i worry constantly. because all i want is to be a mother. my dream is to have my own family. i want to be a stay at home mom. that’s all i want in life. so days like today just remind me how much i have to worry about. 



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