Okay. So I have been contemplating the name of this post for a couple days now. First impressions are really important right? I picked this title because it is one of the most common phrases out of my mouth now, and I know it is going to become one of the most typed as well. I have been noticing this blogging trend for a while now. Me, not being that big of a reader or having time to write, primarily ignored it. However, now, I need an outlet. I need something to put time and effort into that I feel will help benefit me. I bet you all are pretty confused now, right?
So where to begin?
I believe the most critical and impacting year of my life was my Junior Year of high school. I was happy. Life was so good! Until that phone call. I had been at the beach with my best friend for her birthday. During our ride home my mother called. I was told instead of being taken home I was being taken to the hospital. My Mammaw, BY FAR the greatest role model and women who has ever graced the earth with her angel-like presence, was admitted into the ER. She never got the chance to leave there. Even as I’m typing this I am tearing up, over two years later. Mammaw passed away within the next couple of weeks. I am pretty sure she knew she was going to and just never told us. She was perfect. Okay, now that I’m balling my eyes out… I will spare you all the rest of the details. Basically, since that day I have felt empty. The one person I could talk to about anything was gone. I realized the other day that I can barely remember the sound of her voice. After being with her for 16 years. I know my angel watches over me now. She actually gave me a keychain when I learned how to drive that said “Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.”
After that moment I needed a change. Nothing made sense anymore.
Senior year was hell for me. I became really good at pushing away the people I loved the most. I quickly turned away from God. I lost ALL of my friends. I never left my room. I was more alone than I had ever felt before. Music saved me. OR to be more specific, God used music to save me. I rejoined the praise team at my church that I have been in since 7th grade. I cannot explaining the feeling I had the first time I led worship again. It left me speechless, which is really hard to do. My relationship with God never went back to the way it had been. Feel free to blame college or whatever, but I do not know why. That doesn’t mean I have given up. I am trying harder now than I ever have. I am way more into my Bible than I ever have been. My emotional connection just seems to be missing. Judge me all you want, since I am a leader in my church and suppose to be perfect. NEWSFLASH: I’m not. You’re not. No one is. Get over it!!
I have now finished my first year of college. I decided to stay at community college in order to save money and later transfer to JMU. I never knew the real feeling of loneliness until everyone I had grown up with just left. This first semester was pretty alright. I made some friends and was okay. Second semester was another story. I got a full time job and my best friend moved to a different state. I became alone again. I tried to keep myself busy and distracted, but nothing was helping.
This is where I am now. My best friend has moved back and i quit my job. Things are different, yet my feelings continue to worsen. What is the cause you may ask? I wish I knew. I am spiraling into a deeper depression every day. I have serious anxiety issues. I have health issues constantly. Stress. My mind has been corrupted in order to view everything in a negative perspective. I have a negative body image. My emotions have started to control me. I have alway been the person who never cries… I cry multiple times a day now, most of the times at really stupid things. I have looked into Counselors that deal with depression, but money right now is FAR too tight for that. I have looked up different support groups, but I have not found any close enough to where I live. I guess you could basically call this my cry for help. I am not the person I use to be even a year ago. I miss being happy. And it has gotten so bad that I know I need help. Very few people know about the condition I am in. Well if you didn’t know, now you do. I am currently in an ongoing battle that I KNOW through God, help, and my friends, I am going to be able to overcome and have an AMAZING testimony to share. I want my life to be an example to helping others. I want to encourage anyone going through something like this that no matter what thoughts may be going through your mind, you ARE worth it. You CAN do it and you WILL make it through this time. So please join with me on this amazing experience of finding out who I really am and overcoming my struggles.
What Ive learned so far:
- It’s okay to not be okay
- this is not the end
- there are better days to come
- don’t give up
- TALK ABOUT IT
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
― Robert Frost