The little ones are hard at work in school, creating beautiful Mother’s Day crafts. Tracing their little hands over coloured construction paper, cutting them out to make pretty flowers out of them. Making beautiful cards expressing love and appreciation. Your fridge will be empty. You won’t have a beautiful masterpiece to display. You’re only a…
i read an article the other day that started with “suicide isn’t holding a gun to your head.” and it really opened up my eyes to how the world views suicide.
yes, there are some people where their thoughts and feelings are so strong that it is holding a gun to your head, crashing your car, or overdosing on drugs. but for some people, people like me, it is things like not wearing your seatbelt in hopes that if you crash it will kill you. it is not taking medications hoping you will get so sick and die. it is smoking knowing you could get lung cancer and hoping it kills you. it’s not taking care of yourself and hoping for the worst. it’s intentionally ruining relationships, friendships, and jobs in hopes that you’ll be alone and you’ll have less of a reason to stay alive.
suicide is different for every person. and just because it is different doesn’t mean it is less important.
having anxiety and depression is living with internal conflict 24/7. my anxiety makes me crazy. i worry constantly about every little thing. i have more emotions than i thought was humanly possible. i have ocd because of it which makes me need to have control of everything. i have anger because of it because it’s hard for me to process when things don’t go exactly the way i plan them. then having depression is the complete opposite. i don’t care about anything. i have no emotions. i feel completely dead inside. i have no motivation. i wake up every morning and think “i don’t want to be alive today.”
now imagine having both of these polar opposites going on at the same time. caring so much yet not at all. i don’t even know how it is possible, but it is.
and then trying to explain something this crazy to someone else? nearly impossible. if you don’t live with it, it’s so hard to understand. other people just think it’s overreacting or having a bad day or being controlling or paranoid. i’ve been told all of those things. but it’s not. it’s who i am. and i wish it wasn’t, but it is. i wouldn’t wish this upon even my worst enemies. this is a horrible feeling to wake up every morning and not want to be awake. having that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed yet worrying at the same time what other people will think of you. “fake it til you make it” i hear. but at this point i don’t know if i’ll make it. i fake it every day yet i’m getting no where.
Here comes that time of year again when we celebrate our mother’s for all the hard work they put into raising us. While today is about how thankful i am for my mother, it is also very depressing for me. As i’ve posted before, a year and a half ago i miscarried my first child around 3 months. It was a very depressing time and still affects me daily. i know in my heart that it happened for a reason. the babie’s father was not a good man and i am no longer with him. i would’ve stayed if i had the baby. i know this was God’s way of protecting me. and looking back i can see he gave me other chances to leave, but i was too stubborn so he got dramatic. i know losing the baby saved me. i know i am in such a better place now and have found the love of my life who i want to be the only father of my children. but days like today are still hard for me. i watch my best friends who are all mothers get to celebrate. i watch all my pregnant friends on facebook. my own boyfriend has a baby momma. and while i help him raise his daughter, i am still not a mother and won’t be celebrated. and it breaks my heart a little every year. this is the second mother’s day where i have felt like this. and i wouldn’t wish this feeling upon any other person. and i don’t want to tell anyone i feel this way because 1) they have their own problems and 2) they won’t understand. i don’t know anyone else my age who has been through what i have. no one i know has miscarried. i can’t even talk to my own mom because mother’s day is already depressing for her. she lost her mother 5 years ago right before mother’s day. losing a mother is nothing compared to losing a baby that wasn’t even completely formed yet. i think that’s my biggest problem. i feel that no one sees it as a big deal so i keep it to myself how much it hurts me daily. how big of a deal it still is to me. how terrified i am to ever get pregnant again in fear i will have to go through this all over again. i told my boyfriend that even when we are married and try to have kids, i don’t want to tell him i’m pregnant until after 3 months. i will feel better then because the odds go down. but at the same time, if i did lose the baby i don’t know if i could handle going through that alone. i was put on bed rest for three weeks last time. it’s just a lot. my anxiety makes me worry. i worry if i’ll never be able to have kids. i worry if i’ll only miscarry. i worry i can’t even get pregnant. i worry if i do have kids will they have lots of health problems because of me. i worry constantly. because all i want is to be a mother. my dream is to have my own family. i want to be a stay at home mom. that’s all i want in life. so days like today
You don’t have it all figured out, even if it feels like you do. Your natural hair actually looks decent (or does it?) after X amount of days of ditching the blow-dryer, wand, and straightener, and you wish you could go back and tell your high school self not to waste the time in the […]
Check out my best friends blog. Do it. You won’t regret it.
Today 3 months ago, was my birthday and I went on a trip of a life time to Barcelona Spain, where I learned my now ex boyfriend cheated on me. This whole experience has been one crazy rollarcoaster but I can say without a doubt, I am happy with the woman I am becoming after finding out, and I can finally say I feel happier than I have the past few months.
Thank you so much to my friend Lexie who motivated me to start this blog. I honestly don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have her, pretty much holding my hand through all of this. I am forever grateful to have a best friend like her!
Also, I am happy other people around the world find my work relatable and like it, it means the world to me ❤